I would much rather have this conversation face to face, but maybe in writing down stuff, clarity will come through better. So here goes. About the excursion with E on Sunday: the idea came from me, and I had 2 goals in mind, 1 to prove to myself that I’m not a slut and can maintain a friendship even when a little drunk, no 2 – I didn’t want to do what you tell me to do, I want to make up my own mind. Today I realise that I would have been just as pissed off as you are now, if you did something like that. So in retrospect it was a stupid move.
And now I’m digging in my heals about breaking off the friendship with E, why?, not because I really want to maintain the friendship, but because I feel like I’m giving up myself even more if I do.
So what do I mean by “giving up myself”? During the almost 6 years of our marriage, it felt like I became less and less with each passing year. You fell in love with this strong independent woman and in the end I was a pathetic person begging you to come home and be my husband. I feel that any relationship should be give and take, but ours felt to me like I was doing all the giving and very little taking. I want to give you a few examples:
- The restaurant – You spent all your time there when we just got married, we hardly saw each other. You expected me to go there every night after work, where I would see very little of you, I had to handle the admin and I had to pay out my savings to rescue the place.
- P (business) – So after working for SB for a while, you decided to go on this new adventure where you expected me to “fund” not only your expenses (some months), as well as your social habits.
- The drinking heavily became more and more over the years. Before we got married, I asked you to choose between the drinking and me, you chose me verbally, but your actions proved the drinking won. The reasons for the drinking changed from time to time, but the drinking itself remained. In the end you became an aggressive drunk who verbally abused me every time and who I’m sure would’ve become physically abusive, had we not gotten the divorce
- The bisexuality – This hit me to the ground, I was flat, I felt worthless and even today my eyes still become teary when I think about it. I had to suppress all of those emotions and decide to continue our marriage
- Respect – For you this is a big thing, you expect people (including my kids) to respect you no matter what. I believe (and have taught them this too) that respect is earned. That means I don’t respect people for their positions, their money and what they spend on me or for what they say. I respect people based on their actions, their actions towards others.
- Now – You expect me to give up my job, my house, my time with the kids and grandkids to move to Kenya
There are many more examples, but let’s stick to these. At this stage you don’t perceive the “giving up myself” to be an issue, only the friendship with E, whilst in my mind the friendship is nothing, the principle is everything.
I want to propose the following to try to resolve this:
- I immediately end the friendship with E
- We go see a counsellor together, this person will help you to see that this is a problem and will help me to find a way to overcome the problem
In order to move forward, we need to do both of the above, or none and go our separate ways
Please let me know what you think